It hit me, especially this week, that I'm so unobservant. I'm oblivious and don't know how to read other people's expression. I did made an effort to memorize things about others, but it's always in segments. My best friend got married 2 days ago. I didn't even know that they're been together for almost a decade until people told me. How fuck up is that?
This lack of awareness in people's feeling and business got me into so much trouble before. People think I'm selfish and inconsiderate. The truth is, I don't know how to read people's faces. I can't guess how other people think. I know that I'm selfish because all I really know is myself. I tried to force myself to think about others, to put myself in other people's shoes. But the thing is, if I've never experienced things, I can never imagine how it could feel.
It's impossible for me to change, because it's in my blood. I have to accept who I am. I can't expect people to accept who I am. I will try to shut up whenever I heard myself saying something hurtful. I will not continue speaking or trying to connect with someone if they act weird around me (I don't care what that weirdness actually means). I will try to remember segments that I can pick up. I sometimes don't know how my friends can bear with me. I hope I have something they like that they can overlook or accept my flaws.
You know there's a fine line between sucking up to people, and be considerate. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm sacrificing my own integrity in order to make people like me. Sometimes I feel like people are abusing my loyalty, or taking advantages of my eagerness. That happens. And I kinda let people do that to me since I'm long for the acceptance of others. But I think it's important to try to be the kind of friend that I want to be. I want to care about my friends and be a good listener. I do. It's just hard for me to do it without struggles.
There are people around me that seems to be an expert in dealing with personal and professional relationships. They can even choose who to be friends with since everyone is so loyal and thinks they're their best friends. I don't have that luxury. I can choose to be friends with people who are genuinely wanting to be my friends. Then I'll be loyal and love them forever. x
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