Cheers was sitting right in front of me playing beautiful music.
This is not a good title for this post but I really don't know how to name it anymore. So the story start at me going to a regular gyno appointment. I was so tired that day so I just go there like a zombie and figured that it's just any other appointment - pick up new meds. The doctor looked serious and asked me to sit down. You know, with the whole here's-the-bad-news look. She told me that it's been a year since I last tested and my illness is not small. The last sampling was good but it's been a year so I need to get tested again. With my genetic problem in the ovary and history of sickness, I should really get it tested. WHAT THE FUCK?! I know that I might have to do the fucking sampling again but not that soon, and not when everything is normal and good. I was forced to get tested last time and suffered all the pain because I'm having cancer. Why now? I seem okay and nothing is abnormal. I really don't understand it. I really don't see the point.
On top of everything, I feel like God is screwing with me. It's like I've drifted away religiously and He use this illness to threaten me to follow him again. I am really angry. I am angry with myself, with God, and all its unfairness. People around me are having kids and getting married, I have to suffer all these even if I'm just a little girl. I have suffered enough mental pain in my life and fate enjoys to see if I'll be dead yet with all these extra pain. I'm angry with the whole situation. People who are worse than me are still out and about, sleeping around, wasting their time and youth. I haven't enjoy my life yet.
Okay, I know it's just one test that I'm not gonna die anytime soon. But mentally it's too much for me. I can't do anything but cry. I begged the doctor not to make me take the test. She just said that if I'm really afraid of the pain, I can take the painkillers before the sampling. Um.. I don't think painkillers will help with a knife-shape thing puke inside my body, unless they give me anesthesia.
With the wonderful power of catastrophe mentality, I feel like my life has no future. I have all these plans but research and reality check made it seems impossible to be accomplished. There's probably no way I can have a family on my own. There's no prospective in my job. I feel like I'm stuck in my life right now. I need money to fulfill my dream, that's why I can't quit. I'm doing like 2 jobs right now. So I have no mental and physical energy to have a life on my own. My colleagues are like that as well, but they have school holidays to rest and find a life on their own. I have nothing.
After crying for days (DAYS?!), my heart is too broken to keep thinking about it. It was a serious mental torture for me 3 years ago, it's even harsher this year. I know how painful it is. I don't know what will happen afterwards. I know I don't have cancer yet, but my mentality is in that state. I try to talk to friends, but seems like a lot of people don't know how to talk/comfort me that they tend to run away. I need those exact comfort and support. My family don't give me any comfort, they just keep telling me what to think and what to do. I feel so lonely and frustrated.
Finally, I got the attention of my friend and some really nice colleagues. Finally I found people that will listen to me, talk to me, and pray for me. It is God's work that people who don't know me well can listen and help me voice my worries and struggles during prayer. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that God use this opportunity to test and help me get close to Him. It's hard to be thankful when you feel that nothing is good and everything is hopeless. These little angels (people) around help me figure it out. My friend/colleague told me that he has prayer group every 2 weeks that I can join them. I was told that the prayer meeting is today. I wanna back out a few times. But different people from the group invite me to join them. It's like God inviting me to open up and pray for him. It almost felt magical.
I've decided to use this opportunity to push myself and give me deadline to finish stuff that I always wanted to do. It's gonna be hard. But when you put yourself in a mentality that you don't have much time left, it's stop you from procrastinating. At least I hope so.
Please keep praying for my health, my friend.
Here is some housekeeping business:
1. I have closed the comment function in this post. When I have time, I'll close all comments in this blog. I can only get comments from friends and comments that are not from my friends are all spam. You can always contact me through twitter or facebook mail. I just feel that this blog is way too personal for other people to comment on.
2. I'll try to update more that now I bought a Macbook and USB modem.
3. I've given up my working holiday in Australia plan. I have bigger and more important goal to achieve. I have no money and time to do Australia before I am 30.
4. My childhood friend is getting married in 2 weeks. We met always all her past boyfriends and it almost feels ridiculous for her to get married. I'm so happy for her. This is the first wedding I have ever attended, so I'm excited about that.
via the notebook doodles
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