It all began with me not getting enough sleep. I was being childish and let myself go to bed after midnight. Sounds early, no? NO!! Coz I have to wake up at 6.30am. Getting 6 hours of sleep when I have to work around 10 hours a day is crazy. It affects everything. I planned to go to the gym 3 times a week this year but I have to skip because I can't even stay awake. Besides, sleep deprivation increases chances of injury during exercise. I can't hurt my back again (it's a miracle my back is fine for the past week). Then, I started binging after work. I'm eating 400-500 calories for a snack, which is basically a regular meal. Then I can have dinner 2 hours later. The daily calorie count was just a bit higher. But it's a serious problem.
Since I skipped gym, it's severely difficult for me to go again. I have no idea why. I just keep making excuses not to go. I kept talking to myself and begging myself to go. And then I went to do other things (eating & shopping). Finally, I just force my legs to go to the gym. Stop thinking anything at all. Once I get to the gym, I'm fine.
School officially started this week. I had to work during Christmas (only got 2 days off). But I can wear my own clothes and just there for face time. This week, students are back for exams, i.e. no detention. YAY! Geez, that's one of the main sources of my anxiety and stress. Anyway, I don't have much work to do, esp. during Christmas, which really depresses me. I'm here to work. I don't wanna sit around and do nothing. I don't understand face time at all. I don't mind working overtime if there are actual stuff to do. But it's pointless to go to work and have nothing for me to do. But now I know it's really common in the real world. So I bring my own stuff to do. I'm such a disorganized person that I need to write and record a lot of things to be organized. I really don't have energy and time to do so since I started working. I don't wanna sit at work, got nothing to do, and be rustic and stupid. So I bought books to read, research working holidays in Australia, research and apply for grad school, write my food and health journal, write and analyze my expenditure, and of course, writing blog posts.
I'm reading Quarterlifer's Companion. It's a really good book. I think it's great to know that it's perfectly okay to be anxious, worried and even depressed during our quarterlife. We're searching and trying out different things, struggling for career, love, money and time management, social life etc. It's perfectly fine to be sad about not having a boyfriend, feeling lonely when you don't have much to do in your social calendar, having to pretend working at a 9-5 job. All we need is time and a positive attitude to keep on trying. Don't dwell on the fact that you're miserable and you shouldn't waste your golden days in doing something mundane. Try to see if you can change your current situation if you're not happy about it. If it's out of your hand, then make peace with it. We need to set goals and search for the purpose of our lives, but fully prepared if things didn't turn out the way we wanted at the same time.
I should be leaving work now but I really wanna finish writing this. I felt totally flustered about the coming year. I sat down in Starbucks and took out my moleskines. Really think about what I want to do and how I am going to do it. I feel really good that I finally made a plan that I'm happy with. Even though it's quite impossible to fully achieve it at this point. But it's good to have a goal and hope for the future, instead of being stuck at a 10-hour job. My job is amazing but it's not something I want to do for another year. Really. So I need to know that there are something I'm working for.
Something made me really upset this week. I thought I was perfectly fine, totally reboot and restart. Just one second can change everything. I'm happy and sad with my current situation. I feel like I'm stuck. There's no way to get out of this. I can only readjust my thoughts. I know how much I'll lose because of this. And it's totally not worth it. But I just can't help it. It's driving me crazy. I'm trying to be calm and be myself. It's not working very well. There's really nothing I can do. So how do I make peace with it? I have no freaking idea. I just hope that things will be back to normal.
I'm trying to be true to myself this year. I've been preaching that people should acknowledge their emotions and deal with it. So it won't backfire or make you gain weight. But I was talking mostly about emotional pain during childhood and adolescence. I really don't know how to handle stuff that is happening now. I recognize it. Fine. But then how can I deal with it? How can I make peace with it? I don't even know whether I'm truely acknowledging a sadness, or am I dwelling on a sadness? I can't tell at all. So I thought I can get out of my depression with acknowledgement. It seems to make it last longer. Sitting down every week. Writing journal and talk to my soul really helps. But none of which give me a solution. So I'm still pretty sad now. I guess I just let myself be sad for a while. There's nothing I can do.
How was your week? xx
You look really good in this photo! Despite your stressful week I think your persistence is already paying off!
Posted by: Lin | January 14, 2010 at 00:09
Was a shop trip back to hk~ definitely find u next time i come back..
and if u r still into sewing and want to find great fabrics, there's a shop in central even better..
http://www.chubbyhobby.com/make-and-create/travelling-for-fabrics/
lots and lots of nice fabrics, but dearer then Sham Shui Po of course, but you're sure to find sth u'll like:)
oh and you like john masters organic? hehehe their stuff r pretty expensive><
Posted by: Jo | February 02, 2010 at 19:21