2009 is a magical year. I accomplished so much this year, esp. stuff that people think I should do at my age. Many of my prayers got answered. I’m doing so much better with my life. I want to do a reflection on my wonderful 2009.
I’m a weird person. I would ask God to give me stuff that I now regret. I asked God to give me something to experience his greatness, something tragic and huge. I asked God to give me a job that He thinks it’s suitable for me. Then, I got real sick. What an idiot. But I truly experience God’s greatness and He’s very real. I’ve accomplished a few big goals this year. I can’t stop giggling when I think about it because I can’t freaking believe that I can actually do that.
1. I’ve Recovered
It’s been a year and half since I found out that I was really sick. Now, I’ve recovered. No more high dose of medication. No more out-of-my-mind, super painful endometrial sampling. God is so kind that I thought I have to do 3 samplings, and then I found out that I only have to do 2. When I first knew that I can stop the medication, I feel a little down. That sounds crazy but it’s true. Because my skin were at it’s peak condition. There were no change of my hormone levels, so my body is really healthy and stable. Everyone told me that I was glowing.
But of course, I was so depressed and sad when I learned that I could very possibly have cancer. I felt like there was no future, no hope. And my life was over. I thought I have to go under the knife and have one of my organs removed. Now, it felt like it’s a dream. Like it’s never happened. But the fact is, I’m not the same person a year ago. I understand the fact that I have to do something I hate or don’t want to, in order to get what I want or achieve my goals. I have also experience extreme fear and pain that completely widen my spectrum of fear and pain. When the students of my school are experiencing God when their moms didn’t yell at them for doing badly in uniform test, I was feeling extremely calm and peaceful when I was in surgery. I even thought that local anesthesia was totally awesome and fun. It’s amazing how you can’t really feel or move your legs but you feel the pressure when people touch you and you can touch something with your hand and it didn’t feel like it’s belong to you. No offense to people who are paralyzed. It’s just a really interesting experience for me.
Then I realized. I’m naturally a naively optimistic. So even though I feel like I’m back at 15 sometimes, I’m definitely not the same person anymore.
Taken in 2008
2. Lost 30 pounds (and counting)
Being sick not only give me a reason to go back to church, but also a really powerful motivation for me to finally lose weight. But I was so stubborn that I would rather die than work hard, and then I discovered The Biggest Loser. They gave me the best way and attitude of losing weight (I think). Of course I won’t lose weight that fast and drastic. But I learned that there are many people like me in this world. I learned that besides nutrition and exercise, learning how to handle my emotions are one of the key components of losing weight. I learned to truly review and face my emotions and feelings, analyzed my reaction to different things, understand the real reason why I eat. Losing weight is definitely not just about food and exercise. Just like when a person gain weight, it affects not only health, but also self-confidence, self-esteem, self-hatred, feeling inferior, self-love etc. Now, losing weight is quite easy for me. Because I’m not really losing weight, I’m living a healthy lifestyle. I’ve fallen in love with plain green tea, black coffee, anything whole-grain or oat, skim milk, counting calories and reading all the nutrition facts and labels, and of course working out more.
My goal weight is 190 pounds, and my ideal weight is 124 pounds. Well, when I hit 124 pounds, I really need face-lifting and probably liposuction to my saggy skin.
3. First Job
I’ve started my job 1.5 months ago. I feel like I’m doing this for a very long time. I haven’t tried and don’t know a lot of stuff though. I started hanging out with other teaching assistants. They are actually my peers, not teachers, haha. I really like them. I can always be really honest with them. Of course I wanna be friends with other teachers. They are really nice and good people. But maybe a bit later. I know I like school-related jobs, even if some of the stuff I do are repetitive, mundane or old-fashioned, I’m more than happy to do my best. I don’t mind doing extra work or overtime. I really like involving with concerts or shows. It’s really stressful but it’s a lot of fun. But of course every job got its annoying bits and stuff that you can’t stand. If I really wanna keep working in schools, I have to be a teacher. That’s the only way to go. TAs, clerk etc. are dead-end jobs. Maybe I can be a choir teacher. I just don’t know where to start. I might have to start from the very beginning. Work consumed every ounce of my energy and time. I can’t just work for money. Money itself is not enough to be a motivation for me to work at all. I need a bit more. I’m happy with what I have right now.
4. Prepared for Australia Working Holiday
I’ve been taking classes to prep for my Australian journey. I was taking photography class, bread-baking class, coffee class and cocktail class. I want to prepare myself to work in Australia. Being able to work in café, bars or any kind of bakery would be a dream come true to me. I’m not sure habit classes can help anything or not. But at least I’m learning and prepping. I’m really happy that I know how to make espresso, latte and cappuccino now.
5. Pistachio
I’ve finally, finally started a blog. I’ve been thinking and prepping for almost a year before I paid a typepad account and got myself a blog. I’ve been writing xanga for years but that’s totally different. I can’t discipline myself to post regularly. But I’m working hard on it. At least I’m trying to write weekly review everyday. I have accumulated a bunch of how-to posts before I started my blog and I really need to take some time and tidy them up. I don’t want Pistachio to be solely my personal blog.
6. Photography
I bought a DSLR for my birthday. Finally. I’ve been dreaming about having a DSLR forever so I can take gorgeous pictures. But I don’t have much courage to use it in public. And I can’t seem to take pictures I want. I need a convenient yet nice camera. So I bought another one. My mom will probably yell at me. But taking pictures is the only way I can create visual art. I can’t freaking draw. Maybe I should just sell my DSLR… Anyway, I need to stop thinking about how people think of me and get my camera and LOMO out and take millions of pictures.
7. Singing and Performing
When I first started losing weight, I was trying to think of the reason why I gain weight at the first place. Like I’ve said, you need to know the core reason why you gain weight in order to lose weight. But the thing is, I’m overweight my whole life. I don’t really have a ultimate reason why I gained weight. But there is areason why I keep gaining. I distinctly gained 50-60 pounds during my 2 years in college. Besides all the partying and the total control of my food, I realized that I was really depressed. I left my children’s choir at 19 and I couldn’t find a choir that is good enough for me. I tried other choirs but it made me really depressed. No matter how bad my life was, I’m always positive and okay, because I have singing in my life. I’m truly good at something and I gained enormous amount of confidence from it. When I lost my source of confidence, I’m just a worthless piece of crap.
Once I realized that, I started to look for choir to join again. I saw this ad on Facebook that Hong Kong Bach Choir were recruiting new members and they are really good. So I auditioned, got in, then I had my performance on Dec 6. I feel like I found myself finally. I’m so happy that I can sight sing really fast. I can handle really challenging rhythms and melodies. The conductor is saying every single thing that I learned before. I know I’m not insane. And I’m pretty good.
It’s too tiring to practice every week for 3.5 hours and it’s far away from home, especially now I have to go to work at 8am. But I know how important it is for me to keep on singing. I can’t wait to start practicing again.
8. Being Able to Cry
This sounds like bull shit but that’s really challenging for me. I’ve been bullied, humiliated and belittled my whole life. I shut down all my emotions in order to protect myself. As time goes by, I don’t know how to be sad, be angry, even be happy and feeling touched. Life was very easy that way. But do you want to have a life without feelings? I don’t think so. No reaction doesn’t mean no emotions. I just became really suppressive. The side effects are eating nonstop, feeling sad all the time, and I completely, absolutely hate myself. Thanks to my sickness, I get to cry like a baby. I took high doses of progesterone which makes me really easy to cry and emotional. I can burst into tears and cry for 2-3 hours nonstop, and my mood won’t get better afterwards. But now I’m fine, and I cried “normally” now. I cried because I’m pissed, or sad, or happy, or feeling touched. I would be surprised and happy every time I cried. Because for me, crying is so much more harder than losing weight.
To conclude, my 2009 was absolutely amazing. I don’t know where my 2010 is heading but I’m looking forward for it. Everything I did in 2009 is actually preparing for 2010. So we’ll see.
2009是很神奇的一年, 我完成了非常多事情, 特別是別人覺得我這年紀該做的事情. 神回應了我很多的禱告, 我也表現得很好. 所以我想做一個2009年美好的回顧.
我真的很奇怪, 跑去求神給我一些現在我超後悔的經歷. 我去求神給我一些很困難很深刻的事情去經歷神的存在及真實, 也求神給我一份衪認為適合我的工作. 結果弄到自己生了一場大病, 真的很犯賤. 但神真的很有能力, 也超級真實. 今年我做到了幾個很大很大的目標, 每次想到都會傻笑, 因為我真的完全沒想過自己會真的做得到.
1. 我痊癒了
從我得知自己生病到現在已經一年半了. 我現在算是完全康復了. 不用再吃高劑量的荷爾蒙, 不用再承受超級無敵誇張的痛, 不用再抽組織. 神對我超級好到本來要抽3次, 最後只要抽2次. 其實當初知道自己沒事要停藥的時候, 是滿失望的, 聽起來很變態但是真的. 因為我的皮膚是出生以來最好的, 我的身體也因為沒有荷爾蒙的多少變化而變得非常健康跟穩定. 有見過我的人都覺得我容光煥發.不過, 當我知道我的病算是癌症, 我是非常憂鬱跟難過的. 我覺得我的人生就這樣沒了, 沒有未來, 沒有希望. 我以為我要做手術去切除其中一個器官. 現在想起來, 好不真實, 好像發生了一場夢. 但事實是, 我已不是一年前的那個人了. 我明白跟願意去做一些我很不想面對或很討厭的事情, 去得到自己想要的東西或想達到的目標. 我體驗了極度的恐懼跟痛楚, 完全擴闊了我對痛楚及恐懼所認知的範圍及幅度. 當我校的學生因為媽媽少有地沒有因為他測驗成績考不好而罵他來經歷神, 我是在手術室出奇地平靜及覺得安全, 我甚至覺得局部麻醉好好玩喔. 你會真的不能動, 有人摸你都不知道, 但你又會感覺到別人摸你時壓下去的力量. 你會摸到一個東西, 不知道是什麼, 應該是自己的腳, 但又會覺得那不是我身體的一部分. 我不是要對癱瘓的人說風涼話, 只是對我來講那是很有趣的經驗.然後我發現, 我根本就是一個樂觀到白痴的人. 所以現在就算我會覺得自己變回15歲那樣, 我知道我已經完全不是那個人了.
2. 減掉30磅 (體重持續下降中)
生病除了讓我重回教會外, 也給了我一個強而有力的動力去減肥. 不過我是那種頑固到病到死也不會減的人, 太辛苦了, 但我發現了美國減肥真人秀The Biggest Loser, 他們教了我認為最正確的減肥方法跟態度. 我當然不用那麼激烈的去減, 但我發現這世界上不是只有我一個人才過著這樣的生活. 我學會了除了營養跟運動外, 學會處理自己的情感也是減重成功很重要的一環. 我學會真實地面對自己的感受, 思想自己對每件事情的反應, 了解我到底是為了什麼來吃. 減重本來就不是節食跟運動就能搞定的問題, 正如一個人增了體重, 影響的也不只是健康問題一樣, 還有自信, 自尊, 自卑, 自愛等問題. 現在減重對我來說反而是輕鬆的, 因為我根本沒有在減肥, 我是在履行一個健康生活主義. 我愛上喝無糖綠茶, 黑咖啡, 任何全麥或穀類的食物, 脫脂牛奶, 算著熱量看營養標籤跟成分, 當然也做了多一點運動.我現在的目標是190磅, 而理想的身重是124磅. 哈, 如果到124磅, 我要做拉皮的整形手術了啦.
3. 第一份工作
剛做滿一個半月, 感覺自己做了很久, 但還是有很多東西我是完全沒做過, 也不曉得的. 開始跟其他教學助理聊天, 開始有熟一點, 他們其實才是跟我同輩分的, 哈哈. 我很喜歡他們, 你總覺得跟他們比較能聊得坦白一點. 當然我也希望跟其他老師當朋友, 他們人很超級好的, 可能要遲一點吧. 我知道我喜歡跟學校有關的工作, 就算有時候工作是很重覆, 苦悶或者老套的, 我還是可以盡心盡力去做, 而且做得滿心甘情願的. 我很喜歡弄concert或show, 壓力很大但很好玩. 當然每份工作都有令人煩厭, 甚至卻步的地方, 但如果真的要走這條路, 就一定要當老師. 教學助理、文員等都是沒前路的工作. 可能我可以當合唱團的老師, 不過不知道要如何開始, 可能要完全從新開始唸. 工作會吃掉我所有的精力跟時間, 我是不可能只為了錢而工作的. 錢完全不能當我工作的動力, 我需要其他的動力. 所以現在我滿喜歡我的工作的.
4. 為澳洲打工度假做準備
我為了可以在澳洲找到喜歡的工作而上了很多課. 我上了攝影, 做麵包, 沖咖啡跟調酒的課. 如果在澳洲可以在咖啡廳, 夜店, 麵包店上班我會很開心的. 我不太肯定上興趣班可以幫到我工作的什麼, 但至少我有在準備啦. 我很開心我會學會了沖意式濃縮咖啡, 拿鐵跟卡布奇諾.
5. Pistachio
我終於, 終於開了部落格. 我想了也準備了一年, 才鼓起勇氣去付錢, 開了部落格. 我寫了xanga好幾年了, 但這是完全不一樣的. 我還是不能定期更新, 但我有很努力了, 至少我每個禮拜會寫回顧. 我其實開部落格之前有寫下很多很好的文章, 我現在要找時間把它們整理好. 我不想Pistachio成為一個只有流水帳的部落格.
6. 攝影
我終於在今年生日買了單鏡反光相機. 我想買很久了, 因為我想拍漂亮的照片. 但我不太敢拿出來用, 也覺得一直拍不到我想拍的照片. 我其實要需要一部很方便又會拍得很好的相機. 所以我又買了一部新相機. 我媽看到新相機一定會把我罵死. 不過拍照是我唯一能創造視覺藝術的方法, 我真的他媽的不會畫畫. 我可能應該把我的單反賣掉… 不管怎麼樣, 我是應該不管別人奇異的目光, 好好帶著我的相機跟LOMO相機去拍很多很多照片.
7. 重新唱歌跟表
剛開始減肥的時候, 我一直在想當初我是為什麼開始增胖的. 像我說過, 我們要先了解自己一開始增胖的原因, 才可以真正的減肥. 但問題是, 我從小到大都是胖的呀, 那我怎麼會有開始的原因. 不過, 我一直胖下去是有原因的. 我在大學住宿的兩年裡, 很明顯的增了50-60磅. 除了是因為我一直去夜店跟完全可以自由地吃東西外, 我發現我是其實很不開心的. 十九歲離開兒童合唱團的時候開始, 我一直找不到很好的合唱團參加. 我有嘗試過別的合唱團, 結果令我更憂鬱. 以前不管我的生活有多差, 多糟糕, 我總是可以很正面跟正常的, 因為我有唱歌就好了. 唱歌是唯一一個我真正很有天份, 發展得很好而我又真的很擅長的東西, 我在唱歌當中得到了極大的滿足感跟自信. 當我失去了自信的來源, 我就是一件沒有用的廢物.
當我找到原因的時候, 我開始找合唱團來加入. 我在Facebook看到香港巴赫合唱團在招人而他們真的唱得很好. 我就去試音, 成功了, 在12月6日也第一次表演了. 我好像找回真正的自己一樣, 我還是可以視唱的很快, 很難抓的拍子跟音我很快就跟上了, 指揮說的東西, 全部都是我以前學過的. 我不是怪咖, 而且我是真的很利害. 有時候要練3個半小時歌, 又去那麼遠練歌, 真的很累, 特別是現在我要早上8點上班. 不過我知道能夠唱歌對我來說有多重要, 快點開始練下一次表演就好了.
8. 能夠哭
對你們來說可能很無聊, 但這是我真正覺得很困難的事情. 從小到大被人家欺負侮辱看不起, 為了不讓自己受傷, 我把一切的感管都關掉. 我變得不會傷心, 憤怒, 甚至開心, 感動. 日子是過的輕鬆一點, 但沒有感覺的人生你會想過嗎? 沒有反應不代表我沒有情感, 只是非常的壓抑. 副作用是狂吃, 常常不開心, 以及我非常的討厭自己. 多得這次生病, 我要吃高濃度的荷爾蒙, 我就像爆水管一樣一直哭, 可以哭個2-3小時都停不了, 而且心情不會好轉. 現在我好了, 我終於會正常的哭了, 為了生氣, 不開心, 開心或感動的事而哭. 每次哭完我都會覺得很驚訝跟開心, 因為哭對我來說, 比減肥還要困難很多.
總括來說, 我的2009是很精彩的. 我不知道2010我會做什麼, 不過我是很期待的. 2009所做的一切都是為了2010來準備的, 所以希望一切會順利.
你的2009年過的怎麼樣?
Bravo, Ronny, for a great 2009. :D
Wish I could write with that much insight about myself for others to read, but maybe I'm too afraid. I guess your blog makes up for that because I can see a lot of myself in you.
Looks like the highs and lows you experienced this year haven't gone to waste a single bit. With this attitude, 2010 can't NOT be a good year. :D
Take care and have a safe and Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Carina | December 25, 2009 at 05:52