Caffeine and Panadol

Give me wings coz I wanna fly

I just suddenly remember that I have a blog. How funny. I really don't have much to say at this stage of life. I've been feeling like shit for a couple of weeks. I know why exactly but I still won't be able to force myself to change the situation. I've been in stressed, denial, and trance for a long time. I've been bingeing and shutting myself down for weeks. I don't know how to talk to people about it because I don't want anyone's input in this situation. It's not helping a bit. I haven't talk to my best friends for weeks. He was going through a lot. Don't wanna bother him. Then I realized I've missed so much. And then I hate myself.

This week is really important to me. If I ever wanna study abroad, I need to apply to all sorts of American public exam this week before it's too late. But I can't even make myself start doing that. It's so frustrating. I know I just have to fucking do it. But man, it's not easy.

It's a mixture of fear of failure and possibly fear of success, i.e. the fear of getting out of my comfort zone. Same theory as falling in love with the same person over and over again. It's always there. It's safe. It's like being a loser and hating myself is the most comfortable thing to do. Coz I'm used to it.

But of course I can't live like this. I don't want to hate myself forever. If I let myself escape and deny it, it means I'll never grow up and never learn. It's easy to stay in my room, bitch and moan about reality. It's difficult to get out there and do something about it, whereas people judging or harass you at the same time.

Geez, I'm struggling to be just a normal human being. It's not a natural thing to be. You have to work for it.

Happy 2011

AFracturedFacade, originally uploaded by mae jane.

I know I'm fashionably late. My life is continuously being mess. Stepping into the new year won't change that. I just thought you should know. I'll have to force myself to tidy up this blog, my flickr, and my soon-dying external harddisk. Change is hard. But it's necessary.

I'm counting days till my sampling procedure in mid-Feb. Pray for me.

Future dilemma

 

I don't think it will bother me but it does. I'm at a dead-end job. There. I said it.

Before I started working, my folks kept telling me that just apply a job and try. See how I like it. I can always quit and do something else. But it's bullshit. Because once I got a job, they ask me to apply professional examinations to get a qualification to teach. Dude, I don't know if I like teaching and I kinda swear off teaching since I was 10.

My current job don't have any prospective. You can see they treat us differently. I guess we're "lower species" comparing to other coworkers. We have to go through many layers of authority to actually do our job. I might not have enough experience to make decision solely. But I have good enough judgement and communication skills to discuss work with colleagues. No, I have to go through a few bosses. I was pissed at first because I'm earning half of what others are earning. We work as much, maybe more mundane and pointless duties. And we have the same, if not higher education. Then my mom tells me that there's always a situation where you are more qualified than your boss. But since you don't fight for a promotion, those losers are bossing you around. So there's no such thing as fairness. There are only positions and power. Welcome to the real world, baby.

Honestly, I quite enjoy working in school. It's all about mundane, not-really-that-important tasks. I mean comparing to the real world, who cares if you record the activities for the students. They have to remember what they have done to apply college, not the other way around. I enjoy working with students and my colleagues. It's just there's no point staying at my current position any longer. I feel like the longer I stay, the more unlikely I can choose what I want to do with my life. It's like I'm stuck. I need to go back to school and get a higher education in order to be a teacher for real, if I wanna stay in this profession. It involves having a class on my own, planning teaching schedules, designing homework and assignments, which I don't give a damn.

If I leave and apply a job that is not in this field, what I should I apply? What do I wanna do? In the "real" world, I have no actual / useful working experience. I'm still a newbie at almost 30. Going back to school is good, but study what? I don't want to go back to translation. It's boring and I don't think my English or my translation skill will improve a whole lot. I don't want to just get a certificate. I wanna actually learn something. Work really hard for something I love for real this time. I never really study or care about my education. Or anything really. It's the first time I'm invovled in school, now that I'm working. It's crazy.

I realize quite some while ago that the reason why I'm so depressed and self-deprived in the past 7 years (OMFG!) is that I'm not involved with singing or music anymore. I picked a degree that I believed it's going to get a job and which I don't hate. I tried to find things to compensate my void of not having good music in my life. But then I failed. If I don't do something I truely love, I won't be happy. I won't be good at my job. That's the ultimate reason.

But trying to pursue and study music is a long, hard journey. I don't have any education/knowledge in music at all. I can't just go on audition and written tests to apply for Master's. I know I won't pass. So I might need to take music courses or even bachelor degree all over again. Do I have the fund and time to do that? I'm really not sure.

Another dilemma is that I want to study in US. I want to do that since I was 16. All my friends had studies abroad and they don't understand (or think that it's just in my head) why I want to study abroad that badly. I guess when you want to do something and never had the chance, you fantasize and eventually be a bitter person. I don't want to be bitter, I know how that feels like. I don't want to give up yet. But I don't know how to do that. I don't want to pick whatever shit that will take me and let me study. Spent a whole bunch of money and got nothing. I want to study a real degree for real. But at this point, unless I study something I'm not passionate about, it seems like an impossible dream.

I had a few deep conversations with friends about this matter. And it's still bothering me. On top of this, I have my illness to think about. It will change everything if the result is bad and anything happen. So I can't make my plans just yet, which frustrates me so much. Then I go shopping online and burn a huge hole in my wallet. That will use up my savings and make my study plan even more impossible. You can see the dilemma turns into vicious circle just like that.

The good thing is that I've learned, through my sickness and my working experience, that you can make a difference one baby step at a time. Mentally it's hard. For example it's even harder now for me to break through the mental block and start losing weight again. But in my head, I know that if I want to change, I can do that by doing little things a day. I have made plans that I need to execute no matter how scare I am. And I'll keep praying, even though prayer seems weak these days.

Just like what I told a coworker the other day. Struggle is good. That means you're learning and growing up. xx

Working on flaws

It hit me, especially this week, that I'm so unobservant. I'm oblivious and don't know how to read other people's expression. I did made an effort to memorize things about others, but it's always in segments. My best friend got married 2 days ago. I didn't even know that they're been together for almost a decade until people told me. How fuck up is that?

This lack of awareness in people's feeling and business got me into so much trouble before. People think I'm selfish and inconsiderate. The truth is, I don't know how to read people's faces. I can't guess how other people think. I know that I'm selfish because all I really know is myself. I tried to force myself to think about others, to put myself in other people's shoes. But the thing is, if I've never experienced things, I can never imagine how it could feel.

It's impossible for me to change, because it's in my blood. I have to accept who I am. I can't expect people to accept who I am. I will try to shut up whenever I heard myself saying something hurtful. I will not continue speaking or trying to connect with someone if they act weird around me (I don't care what that weirdness actually means). I will try to remember segments that I can pick up. I sometimes don't know how my friends can bear with me. I hope I have something they like that they can overlook or accept my flaws.

You know there's a fine line between sucking up to people, and be considerate. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm sacrificing my own integrity in order to make people like me. Sometimes I feel like people are abusing my loyalty, or taking advantages of my eagerness. That happens. And I kinda let people do that to me since I'm long for the acceptance of others. But I think it's important to try to be the kind of friend that I want to be. I want to care about my friends and be a good listener. I do. It's just hard for me to do it without struggles.

There are people around me that seems to be an expert in dealing with personal and professional relationships. They can even choose who to be friends with since everyone is so loyal and thinks they're their best friends. I don't have that luxury. I can choose to be friends with people who are genuinely wanting to be my friends. Then I'll be loyal and love them forever. x  

What?! Again?!

Cheers was sitting right in front of me playing beautiful music.

This is not a good title for this post but I really don't know how to name it anymore. So the story start at me going to a regular gyno appointment. I was so tired that day so I just go there like a zombie and figured that it's just any other appointment - pick up new meds. The doctor looked serious and asked me to sit down. You know, with the whole here's-the-bad-news look. She told me that it's been a year since I last tested and my illness is not small. The last sampling was good but it's been a year so I need to get tested again. With my genetic problem in the ovary and history of sickness, I should really get it tested. WHAT THE FUCK?! I know that I might have to do the fucking sampling again but not that soon, and not when everything is normal and good. I was forced to get tested last time and suffered all the pain because I'm having cancer. Why now? I seem okay and nothing is abnormal. I really don't understand it. I really don't see the point.

On top of everything, I feel like God is screwing with me. It's like I've drifted away religiously and He use this illness to threaten me to follow him again. I am really angry. I am angry with myself, with God, and all its unfairness. People around me are having kids and getting married, I have to suffer all these even if I'm just a little girl. I have suffered enough mental pain in my life and fate enjoys to see if I'll be dead yet with all these extra pain. I'm angry with the whole situation. People who are worse than me are still out and about, sleeping around, wasting their time and youth. I haven't enjoy my life yet. 

Okay, I know it's just one test that I'm not gonna die anytime soon. But mentally it's too much for me. I can't do anything but cry. I begged the doctor not to make me take the test. She just said that if I'm really afraid of the pain, I can take the painkillers before the sampling. Um.. I don't think painkillers will help with a knife-shape thing puke inside my body, unless they give me anesthesia.

With the wonderful power of catastrophe mentality, I feel like my life has no future. I have all these plans but research and reality check made it seems impossible to be accomplished. There's probably no way I can have a family on my own. There's no prospective in my job. I feel like I'm stuck in my life right now. I need money to fulfill my dream, that's why I can't quit. I'm doing like 2 jobs right now. So I have no mental and physical energy to have a life on my own. My colleagues are like that as well, but they have school holidays to rest and find a life on their own. I have nothing.

After crying for days (DAYS?!), my heart is too broken to keep thinking about it. It was a serious mental torture for me 3 years ago, it's even harsher this year. I know how painful it is. I don't know what will happen afterwards. I know I don't have cancer yet, but my mentality is in that state. I try to talk to friends, but seems like a lot of people don't know how to talk/comfort me that they tend to run away. I need those exact comfort and support. My family don't give me any comfort, they just keep telling me what to think and what to do. I feel so lonely and frustrated. 

Finally, I got the attention of my friend and some really nice colleagues. Finally I found people that will listen to me, talk to me, and pray for me. It is God's work that people who don't know me well can listen and help me voice my worries and struggles during prayer. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that God use this opportunity to test and help me get close to Him. It's hard to be thankful when you feel that nothing is good and everything is hopeless. These little angels (people) around help me figure it out. My friend/colleague told me that he has prayer group every 2 weeks that I can join them. I was told that the prayer meeting is today. I wanna back out a few times. But different people from the group invite me to join them. It's like God inviting me to open up and pray for him. It almost felt magical.

I've decided to use this opportunity to push myself and give me deadline to finish stuff that I always wanted to do. It's gonna be hard. But when you put yourself in a mentality that you don't have much time left, it's stop you from procrastinating. At least I hope so. 

Please keep praying for my health, my friend.

 

Here is some housekeeping business:
1. I have closed the comment function in this post. When I have time, I'll close all comments in this blog. I can only get comments from friends and comments that are not from my friends are all spam. You can always contact me through twitter or facebook mail. I just feel that this blog is way too personal for other people to comment on.

2. I'll try to update more that now I bought a Macbook and USB modem.

3. I've given up my working holiday in Australia plan. I have bigger and more important goal to achieve. I have no money and time to do Australia before I am 30.

4. My childhood friend is getting married in 2 weeks. We met always all her past boyfriends and it almost feels ridiculous for her to get married. I'm so happy for her. This is the first wedding I have ever attended, so I'm excited about that.

 

via the notebook doodles