I just suddenly remember that I have a blog. How funny. I really don't have much to say at this stage of life. I've been feeling like shit for a couple of weeks. I know why exactly but I still won't be able to force myself to change the situation. I've been in stressed, denial, and trance for a long time. I've been bingeing and shutting myself down for weeks. I don't know how to talk to people about it because I don't want anyone's input in this situation. It's not helping a bit. I haven't talk to my best friends for weeks. He was going through a lot. Don't wanna bother him. Then I realized I've missed so much. And then I hate myself.
This week is really important to me. If I ever wanna study abroad, I need to apply to all sorts of American public exam this week before it's too late. But I can't even make myself start doing that. It's so frustrating. I know I just have to fucking do it. But man, it's not easy.
It's a mixture of fear of failure and possibly fear of success, i.e. the fear of getting out of my comfort zone. Same theory as falling in love with the same person over and over again. It's always there. It's safe. It's like being a loser and hating myself is the most comfortable thing to do. Coz I'm used to it.
But of course I can't live like this. I don't want to hate myself forever. If I let myself escape and deny it, it means I'll never grow up and never learn. It's easy to stay in my room, bitch and moan about reality. It's difficult to get out there and do something about it, whereas people judging or harass you at the same time.
Geez, I'm struggling to be just a normal human being. It's not a natural thing to be. You have to work for it.